A Coyote Co-Op Commentary: Drink Monster, Satan Laughs (At Your Stupidity) - Transcript
Note: The provided lines are taken directly from the script. It has a near perfect correlation to the video. (Intro sequence. The music heard here is "Epic Dubstep-Trance Song" by SpaceGuru5.) SpaceGuru5. Hey guys. SpaceGuru5 here. DFG Hulk. And me, DFG Hulk. SpaceGuru5. This is my first commentary since April, and my first co-op commentary ever. We’re only doing this because today’s video is so goddamn inane that it makes me cringe. DFG Hulk. Yeah. I mean, it’s one thing to be funny and dumb, but this is just plain dumb. It’s so dumb that it makes me want to do Puny God on this bitch. (Clip plays of the Hulk smashing Loki in The Avengers.) SpaceGuru5. Anyway, today we’ll be looking at how Monster energy drinks are redolent with Satanic imagery and the notion of the Antichrist being ingested into your bodies. At least, this is what this Bible humper believes is the truth about this highly popular energy drink consumed by millions every day. DFG Hulk. Without further ado, let’s get into this video and start smashing away. Christine. Look at your M closely. There’s a gap right here in the letter M; it’s never connected. So, you go into Hebrew. The letter vav is also the number 6. Short top, long tail. Short top, long tail. You could have here, in Hebrew, 666 on the can. SpaceGuru5. Haven’t you taken into account that there are other similar letters in Hebrew that also possess a short top and long tail? I mean, there’s the letter nun, which is worth 50 in this numbering system; kaf, which is worth 20; zayin, which is worth 7; daleth, which is worth 4; and resh, which is worth 200. The way this numeral system works is similar to Roman numerals; you just add up the numbers one by one. This means that three vavs put together would not be 666, but rather 18, since 6 + 6 + 6 = 18. With all of my other examples, the numbers would be 150, 60, 21, 16, and 600 respectively. Either way, none of those add up to 666. Even so, that’s only assuming that these are meant to represent numbers in the first place. However, we don’t use Hebraic numerals; we use Arabic numerals to represent numbers, since it’s a much better way to represent numbers in the English-speaking world. Further still, the M logo is meant to represent a monster clawing through the can. The M resembles claw marks, not three letter vavs in a row. To sum up this argument, there is a saying in statistics and argumentation that states that correlation is not causation, and I believe that, if people followed this more often, we’d be able to make rational judgment calls rather than relying on nonsensical rambling bullshit. DFG Hulk. Spoken like a true coyote. SpaceGuru5. Thanks. ...Wait, was that a compliment or an insult? Christine. But my interest is the word “Monster.” What do you see in the O? There’s a cross. SpaceGuru5 & DFG Hulk. There isn’t a fucking cross in the O! DFG Hulk. Can you please tell me where in the flying fuck do you see a cross? Gil, if you could put up the logo for a sec. SpaceGuru5. Yeah, sure. Whatever. (A picture of the logo appears.) DFG Hulk. Alright, here’s the word “Monster.” Now tell me, where do you see the cross? SpaceGuru5. All I really see is just a line going through a stylized letter O. That’s the point; it’s supposed to be an aesthetic design. Just because something “looks” like a cross doesn’t always mean that it is a cross. Again, correlation is not causation. Christine. What has Christ got to do with an energy drink, let alone the name “Monster?” (Clip of Dark Helmet saying "Absolutely nothing!" from Spaceballs.) Christine. So I thought, well, this is a Christian company then. BFC at the bottom of the can. Do you know what that stands for? DFG Hulk. Uh, I dunno, Big Fucking Cunt? SpaceGuru5. Careful, I think the feminists are gonna get on you for that. DFG Hulk. Pfft! Like I care. This woman doesn’t care, so why should I? SpaceGuru5. Yeah, that’s true. Christine. That’s letter F the f-word. Big fucking can. In fact, they write it on the side of the can, so I know that’s the f-word. SpaceGuru5. Congratulations, you know how to read. You’ve successfully passed your kindergarten curriculum. DFG Hulk. You get a gold star, a cookie, and a Hulk-sized punch in the face! (Clip of the Hulk punching a Chitauri in the face.) DFG Hulk. You’re welcome. Christine. Now, do you know what a milf is? That’s on the box. “Milfs dig it, and you will, too.” This is not a Christian company at all. DFG Hulk. What, so Christians can’t be vulgar? SpaceGuru5. Hell, even I'' cuss most of the time, and I’m a motherfucking Catholic! Bitch. '''Christine.' So why would they have the cross on the can? DFG Hulk. Well, I know why they don’t have a cross on the can; it has nothing to do with Christianity, and this cross you claim to see is nothing more than a consequence of font choice. SpaceGuru5. Spoken like a true Hulk. DFG Hulk. Hey, them’s fighting words. Christine. Here’s the message: Antichrist. (Clip plays of Guptill89 facepalming.) Christine. 666 in Hebrew, and then the Bible talks about the Beast in Revelation, and look at Monster’s ad. This the Beast is their statement. SpaceGuru5. Uh, that’s not a statement. DFG Hulk. That’s a slogan. Slogans aren’t meant to be taken seriously in commerce. SpaceGuru5. You are taking something out of context and using it as a pretext to proclaim to the masses, “Monster is the Devil! You are being brainwashed into joining a Satanic cult every time you drink a can! The M is 666! Unleashing the Beast is their intent!” DFG Hulk. And that’s what’s gonna happen to me if this dumb broad continues in blind faith and ignores reason! SpaceGuru5. Oh, save the children! Christine. You see these M’s everywhere. Hats, t-shirts, bumper stickers. Is there another agenda here? SpaceGuru5. Actually, there is. It’s called making a profit. Why make profit? Because it’s capitalism; it just fucking works! Christine. If God can use people in product, so can Satan. DFG Hulk. I’m pretty sure God and Satan have better things to worry about than just the petty lives of over 7 billion humans, of which a good amount of them drink Monster. Christine. And look at this one. Even if the M was not the issue, you cannot deny that that is a cross. SpaceGuru5. We’ve done it twice. You cannot deny that you’re a baseless idiot. DFG Hulk. Go hump your Bible somewhere else, or at least get a room. Christine. And what is witchcraft? When the cross goes upside-down. (exaggerates someone drinking) DFG Hulk. Guys, can you please tell me something? SpaceGuru5 & DFG Hulk. WHO DRINKS LIKE THAT?! Christine. Bottoms up, and the Devil laughs. SpaceGuru5. Oh, the Devil’s laughing alright. He laughs at your stupidity. In fact, so does God. Hell, I don’t even need to go see them in order to validate this; I can hear them on Heaven and Hell on Earth. Christine. Something to think about. DFG Hulk. Something you should have actually found yourself before embarrassing yourself in public and on the Internet. SpaceGuru5. Please find something to think about the next time you shove your conspiracy theory-laden claptrap. DFG Hulk. Then again, don’t shove your beliefs down our throats like that. The world’s much better off without this kind of inanity. Christine. This is how clever Satan is, and how he gets into the Christian home and a Christian’s life, and it breaks God’s heart. SpaceGuru5. You know, part of Satan’s clever nature comes from the fact that he is able to deceive people into thinking what he wants them to think in order to progress some sort of agenda. Isn’t that what you’re pretty much doing? Think about it. What have you been trying to do throughout this entire inanity fest? Trying to prove that Monster is the Antichrist based on coincidences and assumptions so flimsy that they were destroyed in mere seconds by reason. You used naïve notions of faith to try to come up with reason, yet faith is nothing but belief; reason is based in fact. The fact here is that you are completely blind to reason; all you see is a world dominated by blindness for the sake of religion. This is why your statements are flimsy; there is no proof. Asking you about that proof wouldn’t get far either, because you have no proof; you are just jumping to conclusions. Sorry to say, but conclusions are reserved for both the ends of essays and textual evidence combined with personal experience. There is no way around it. DFG Hulk. In other words, you suck! Christine. Jesus said, “My people perish for lack of knowledge.” DFG Hulk. And you’re living proof of that lack of knowledge. SpaceGuru5. Are any of you aware of the bad things that happened to people when Christianity was at the forefront of the Western World? Need I remind you of the Crusades, the Salem Witch Trials, St. Bartholomew’s Day Massacre, the imprisonment of Galileo for proving that the Earth was not the center of the Solar System, and so on? When Christianity took the helm, things like progress and reason were slowed to a screeching halt because it was deemed heresy by the Church. This is why the Enlightenment was such a huge flippin’ deal; it allowed us to actually turn away from faith and turn towards reason. Faith may have given us belief in a higher power, but reason got us to the moon. Need I say more? DFG Hulk. I swear to God you’re making Guptill89 seem like an Oxford professor. This woman is rambling on about nothing. And that’s the end of the video. Well, there’s not much else to say that we haven’t said already. This woman is blind to reason and draws conclusions about Monster being the Antichrist solely based on coincidental similarities between its logo and Hebraic letters. Even if she tried to sound smart when doing this, the points she brings up are so flimsy that they wouldn’t hold up Noah’s Ark in the Great Flood for even a second. SpaceGuru5. It’s one thing to criticize a company, but it’s another to make yourself look like an ass for the sake of faith over reason. Sorry, but faith has no place in reason. If our world was only run on faith, we’d essentially be carbon copies of how Iran is right now. Faith has no place in politics, nor does it have a place in academia and argumentation. Extremist Christians make the rest of Christianity look like shit, and as a fellow Christian I find it completely against what I feel God would want us to practice Christianity. Fuck this video to Hell and back and back again. DFG Hulk. Dude, I’m the Hulk, and even I think you’re taking this a bit too far. SpaceGuru5. Well, no matter. That’s about it for today. I’m SpaceGuru5. DFG Hulk. And I’m DFG Hulk. SpaceGuru5. And, ladies and gentlemen, have a nice fucking day. 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